I just got off the phone with one of my very good girlfriends. When she reads this, she’ll know it’s her. Hey girl! Thanks for the article idea. Love you friend!
In our conversation we discussed friendship at our current stage in life as 30 something year old wives, moms, and ambitious women hustling for the dream. Even though we are close, our relationship is long distance. As we navigate our daily lives trying to give our best to the roles we’ve prayed for, there is still the question of community. There is tons of discourse online about how difficult it is to make friends as an adult. However, our discussion centered around how deep new friendships go or don’t go. When we build community in this new stage of our life, what are the parameters set in place for new people to reside?
My girlfriend was accused by a new group of friends that she is a low maintenance friend; meant as a complaint, not a compliment. The low maintenance friend doesn’t demand too much from you, shows up to support enthusiastically but leaves room for mystery on when she needs support. When a low maintenance friend is around you get to bask in their light and energy, but you do not have access to them baring their soul. They could be a quiet multimillionaire who just hopped off a private plane, an overwhelmed parent with bills piling up who just cried in the car before sitting down for brunch, or a woman who has been tussling with God in prayer because life is lifing too hard. Doesn’t matter much, because you would never know. The low maintenance friend shows up, brings her best self, and that’s all you get.
This accusation came under the guise of claiming to not truly know her. Her private nature allows them to know of her victory over hard times but not when she is in the trenches. Now, listening to this, as someone who is more private than her my initial thought was, “Why they want to be in your business?”
However, I recall the years of cultivating meaningful connections that did include us being all up in each other’s business. Friendships were built with strangers over hours of phone conversations and group text messages we’d hate for anyone to see. Personalities meshed and thrived as we laugh, cried, hoped, and dreamed together.
That was a different season though. Then, we were different people with less responsibility, freedom we did not have the wisdom to appreciate, and not nearly as much at stake. Still today, what do we do now? My answer: operate within your capacity. I find too often that there are many people who operate beyond their capacity even when it is detrimental to them. Friendship is necessary, can be enriching and uplifting, but not at the expense of what your priorities are. For this reason, it is important to be surrounded by friends who get you, like you, and respect your capacity in this season of life.
“You don’t want to bring your problems to someone who will destroy your life,” my ‘low maintenance’ friend says during our conversation. I cannot agree more.
It is essential to discern what you can share with who. Just because you get along with someone does not mean they give great advice. A work friend does not always translate into a world friend. Enjoying the company of a group does not equate to trustworthiness. Financial success is not synonymous with a good spirit. On the other spectrum, you may very well run into a divine friend or two that God placed in your path to bless your life in a way you so desperately need. That’s the fickle thing about adulthood, it can be either a hit or miss.
