“Marry someone that likes you”
My mother preached this to me my whole life. We spoke a lot about relationships, had shows we watched together, and went through a strong reality TV phase. “Marry someone that likes you” was drummed into my head as a teenager. Who I asked her how would I know, she insisted that a man that likes you behaves in a certain way. His regard for you as a person, the way he interacts with your personality, and ultimately the way that he treats you will tell you all that you need to know. My mom used to tell me the consequences of marrying someone who does not like you was disastrous, that it could lead to suffering not only for the woman but also her children.
At my 25th birthday luncheon, people were spread out across two rows of tables. We were in a private room in a restaurant where people naturally created different sections of conversations. Much to my surprise one set of my friends was busy traumatizing my mother with their stories of contemporary dating. The lady was stunned. When we got home and things died down, my mommy asked me if I had ever heard of a situationship. I told her, yes of course. In her ghastly shock she began to recount what my friends had taught her during my birthday lunch. When I confirmed the truth and commonality of the mysterious concept of situationship she was genuinely beside herself.
The more I explained, the less sense it made to her. She quickly concluded that it was obvious that at least one party did like the other, so why would one participate in such a thing. Not that I understood situationships much myself, I hate ambiguous grey area, but that was the first time I considered that it wasn’t due to confusion but a lack of like so to speak.
I want to emphasize that she never said, Marry someone who loves you. She was very intentional with saying like. I did not always understand the difference. But, there is a difference.
Like is steady. Curious. Considerate. It is enjoying the presence of someone in silence or valuing someones point of view or seeing the other person like a part of you because they become an extension of your life experience.
Think about it like this: You may have family members you deeply love… but if they weren’t family, you’d never choose to be friends with them. Because you don’t like them. That difference matters more than most people realize.
Love can be dramatic. Performative. Conditional. It can feel like running through a field of beautiful flowers, eating cotton candy on a carnival ride, or being swept away on your favorite vacation. Love can exist in dysfunction. But like? Like shows up with respect.
Love can fall in love with what could be. It sees possibility. Like is based on what is. It values how you are today; your quirks, your rhythm, your actual personality. Loving someone’s potential can lead to disappointment. Liking who they actually are leads to peace.
When the euphoria of Eros love evaporates is there a foundation for Agape love? Like is that foundation. Eros is the romantic spark. The passion. The butterflies. But like all fire, it can flicker. It doesn’t always last. When it fades, what’s left? Is there mutual respect? Is there kindness? Is there like?
Agape is the highest form of love. It’s sacrificial. It’s patient. It endures. But Agape is a choice, and like is what makes that choice sustainable. Because you cannot keep pouring love into someone you do not like.
That’s what my mother was really saying:
Like is the bridge between the fire of Eros and the depth of Agape.
It’s the part of love that doesn’t need fanfare.
It just shows up. Every day.
